The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck
It was during one such evening when I was talking to my friend in his room which is piled up with books (a lot many). So, I was just picking a book in random and asked him …
“Did you read this one?”
His answer is “No”
So, I was scolding him, picked another book, asked the same question and this process continued for some time when I got hold of this book “The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck”. Before asking him, I paused for a second and thought
“The title of the book is bold. So, Why did the author name it?”
So, instead of asking him the routine question, I asked
“I want to read this book!!!”
I really wanted to read this one because there is no foreword, no applauses by critics and no such decoration which we see in the usual novels. So strange right!!!
There the journey of this marvel by Mark Manson(the author) started in my life
Chapter — 1: Don’t Try
This chapter mainly says that
“Success and self-improvization are interrelated. You shouldn’t trade one for another” — Explained by the anecdote of Bukowski who became a successful writer after suffering a lot of hardships but in the process lost his self by getting addicted to alcohol, girls and bad habits.
“One has to give a fuck only to the most important things in life as everyone is provided with limited fucks”.
In other terms one has limited amount of time so they have to give priorities to everything. And also don’t care about all the things around you.
For example, if someone pesters you, just ignoring them can be a solution which saves your time and gives a clear message to them that you don’t get affected because of them. So, eventually they will stop mocking you.
The book also gives some explanation behind “Why we worry about worrying?” “Why we feel about what we feel?” by “The Feedback loop from the Hell” concept. So, just break the loop. If you ever feel bad about your feeling, say this to yourself
“It’s okay. I am bad at this. No need to feel bad for being bad”.
Thus improving your confidence.
“Wanting positive experience is a negative experience. Accepting negative experience is a positive experience” — Backwards law(Alan Watts)
“Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience”
So, sometimes we need to wait and look back at things and check whether we have really learnt something. Learning something comes only from the previous negative experiences.
Author gives some rules regarding the same
Rule 1 — “Not giving a fuck doesn’t ,mean being indifferent; it means being comfortable with being different”
Rule 2 — “To not give a fuck about adversity, you must first give a fuck about something more important than adversity”
Rule 3 — “Whether you realize or not, you are always choosing what to give a fuck about”
“You can’t be an important and life-changing presence for some one without also being a joke and embarrassment to others”
The purpose of this book is to explain how to use pain as a tool to make life easier. How to lose and let go. How to prioritize the limited fucks in your life. How to take failure. In contrast to other books(which says all the positive words), he says how to prioritize on what to be given more importance.
Chapter -2: Happiness is a Problem
“Anything which is excess is a problem”
Very simple but indepth statement. Whether it is pain, agony, sadness, money, health care or even happiness in excess is a problem.
Happiness doesn’t come directly as success. It comes in solving problems. One who suffers the pain and undergoes the process can feel the real joy once he/she accomplishes the task.
Don’t hope for a life without problems. There is no such thing. Instead, hope for a life full of good problems. Because the solution to one problem opens door to the other
He gives the following as some of the reasons why we escape from solving problems
Denial — Don’t deny yourself. Whatever it maybe. Genetics, OCD whatever..Believe that the problem has already been solved by many in this universe (unless it is a research problem).
Victim mentality — Don’t believe that you are underpriviledged. It creates temporary high but doesn’t solve permanant problem.
Overrated emotions — Emotions are just feedbacks in our mind.
Pose yourself with these questions
“What pain can you sustain to achieve your dream?”
“What sacrifices can you do to achieve that?”
“If you feel that you are allowed to stop climbing as you achieve joy, you are being mistaken. The process of climbing itself is joy”
Chapter — 3: You are not special
If you think that the problem that you are facing has never been faced by anyone else, then you are mistaken. It has been faced by many and probably might have been solved by them. So, don’t feel yourself as special person i.e “Entitlement”
Problems → Makes us feel that we can’t solve → Makes us feel either we have a unique set of problems or we are uniquely defective(thus entitled to be treated separately)
It may be either of the case
I’m awesome and the rest of you suck, so I deserve special treatment.
I suck and the rest of you are awesome, so I deserve special treatment.
So, don’t be entitled to anything. Believe that you are mediocre so that you can strive to achieve that. This process is known as “Anti-Entitlement”
“You are born for something extraordinary” — Needs to be rephrased
Because if this is true then everyone should be extraordinary making no one extraordinary.
Chapter — 4: The Value Of Suffering
“Suffering is an inevitable part of any process. If you try to escape from suffering, you are trying to escape from problem itself”
Pose yourself with these
“Why am I suffering? , “What’s the purpose?”
instead of
“How do I stop suffering?”
The Self-Awareness Onion
1. First layer of self-awareness onion is understanding one’s emotions.
2. Second layer is the ability to ask why we feel certain emotions.
3. The third layer is all about personal values. Why do I consider this as success/failure? On what standards am I judging myself/others?
Basically, all these questions give you the answers which are your “metrics” in one way or the other. So, try to choose good metrics to live a better life.
Good values/metrics are reality-based, socially constructive, immediate, controllable and are achieved internally
Eg: Honesty, innovation, vulnerability, standing up for oneself, standing up for others, self-respect, curiosity, charity, humility, creativity …
Bad values/metrics are superstitious, socially destructive, not immediate or controllable, and are effected by external factors
Eg: Dominance through manipulation or violence, feeling good all the time, always being the center of attraction, not being alone, being liked by everybody, being rich for the sake of being rich, sacrificing small animals to pagan gods …
Having good values → Prioritize events → Giving less number of fucks/attention to only the required ones → Self-improvement
“One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful” — Freud
Chapter — 5: You are always choosing
Which one do you choose?
“With great power comes great responsibility”
“With great responsibility comes great power”
If your answer is first statement, then you are indirectly procrastinating your works. You are feared of works, worried whether they will be a disaster.
If your answer is second statement, then you involve actively in the given tasks. You voluntarily choose them as you are interested in doing that.
“Taking responsibility for success, happiness makes you feel good but taking responsibility for failures is what actually makes you a better self”
You may think
“How can I do this? How can I start doing which is uncomfortable to me?”
The bitter answer is
“There is no question of How? Just start doing. It eventually follows”
Chapter — 6: You’re Wrong About Everything (But So Am I)
There is no absolute truth. No absolute relations. No absolute good. No absolute joy. No absolute right or wrong. In fact the word “absolute” itself has no meaning without a reference. So, there is no problem in being wrong about something. It’s okay to be wrong in everything. Self-improvement doesn’t mean making things wrong to right. It means making today’s wrong a little less tomorrow. Our ancestors are wrong about many things and we are less wrong today. Our future generations will be much less wrong than us. That’s it.
“Uncertainty is the root of all progress and all growth”
Because being uncertain not only helps you to focus on the problem but also allows you to do something. On the other hand, if you are certain then you wouldn’t try to solve it.
“The more something threatens your identity, the more you will avoid it” — Manson’s law
“Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong” — Murphy’s law
“Work expands so as to fill up the time available for its completion” — Parkinson’s law
Don’t be special, don’t be unique. Choose your metrics in a broader perspective(a friend, a student etc). Because the more narrower your metrics are, the more fear/ threatened you feel. Giving up grandiose ideas may be a good metric.
How to be a little less certain of yourself:
1. What if I’m wrong?
2. What would it mean if I were wrong?
3. Would being wrong create a better or a worse problem than my current problem, for both myself and others?
People say
“Find yourself”
But the author says,
“Don’t find yourself. So that you will strive discovering yourself which constantly adds to your improvement bucket”
Chapter — 7: Failure is the way forward
People say that you have failed because their metrics give them a view of what is success. These metrics can be different for you. So, how can you say to yourself that you are a failure from their responses. As everyone’s is wrong about something, there is no point in judging. — “Failure/Success paradox”
Avoiding failure → avoiding success → avoiding the problem → brings in a more difficult one
“Action isn’t just the effect of motivation; it is also the cause of it”
Emotional inspiration → Motivation → Desirable action (This is what people believe)
Inspiration → Motivation → Action → Inspiration → Motivation → Action →…..(The truth)
Now reorient your mindset such that
Action → Inspiration → Motivation.
So, you start working and that brings you the inspiration to carry it further instead of waiting for it. — “Do something principle”
Chapter — 8: The Importance Of Saying No
You have to choose the good problems out of the available set of problems in the bucket. Ultimately, rejection makes your life easier as you have less tasks to be done after rejection the bulk.
Boundaries
Any sort of relationship should have a definite boundary. Healthy love is based on two people acknowledging and addressing their own problems with each other’s support while unhealthy love is based on two people trying to escape their problems through their emotions for the other.
1. How well each other in the relationship takes responsibility?
2. Willingness of each person to both reject and be rejected by their partner.
Healthy relationship → Clear boundaries
People of this kind are responsible for their own problems, not others.
Unhealthy relationship → Unclear boundaries
People of this kind ends in one of the following
1. The other partner should take responsibility for their problems → Victims
2. I should take responsibility of my partner’s problems → Savers
It’s simply entitlement. Temporary highs that makes you feel good. People can’t solve your problems for you. And they shouldn’t try because that doesn’t make you happy. You can’t solve their problems because it doesn’t make them happy either.
Instead, in good relations people give support to one another in solving problems.
Answering these questions gives you whether you are in healthy relations or not. If in unhealthy, asking the same will help you know whether you are a victim(who believes others to solve their problems) or a saver(who believes they should solve others problems)
1. “If I refused, how would the relationship change?”
2. “If my partner refused something I wanted, how would the relationship change?”
How to build Trust
Trust comes from hearing and saying No to things so you make a clear boundary. Trust develops from conflicts and a silent rethinking. Once trust is destroyed, it can be rebuild only if
1. The trust-breaker admits the true values that caused the breach and owns upto them.
2. The trust-breaker builds a solid track record of improved behavior over time.
Freedom through Commitment
Paradox of choices states that the more you have, the more confused you will be to choose and thus more dissatisfied. Instead, if you have less, then you will be contended.
Going deep into a special area or going broad into multiple areas are the two experiences that are to be felt. First try with the latter, get to know your passion and stick to the former in that particular field. As you are committed, you focus on only that thing and make a priority list.
Chapter — 9: … And then you Die
In simple terms, whatever you are going to do, it is infinitesimal in this world. So, why are you worrying about each and every petty detail. Why are you giving fuck about all those things when there is a bigger picture(death) which is clearly visible to you. Just enjoy your life which can be achieved by prioritizing the fucks.
Though it gives a brief synopsis of the book, it is highly advisable to read the book to get more insightful meaning. Author describes many anectodes and his experiences with us at appropriate chapters of book which makes you rethink and reorient your thoughts on the following(atleast).
Feedback Loop From the Hell
Entitlement
Metrics
Relations, Emotions, Boundaries
Why all this? Can’t you think and then give your fuck to something?
Finally,
One hand is good for throwning stones on someone while it takes two to clap. Try it out
Book suggestion credits: Uday Girish Maradana
Personal Website: namburisrinath.github.io
Medium Handle: namburisrinath.medium.com
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/namburi-gnvv-satya-sai-srinath/